The resentful 80 vs. the comfortable 20

There are basically two types of people when it comes to interacting with a generous partner.  First, there are those who sit back and let the generous person do all the work.  Second there are those who see the work the generous person is doing and they vocalize their appreciation and subsequently offer to help.

All close relationships are dynamic.    Relationships are never 50/50.    In static relationships they would be a constant 50/50.    However we are human and this is the real world.    There is ebb and flow.   Sometimes relationships are 80/20 and sometimes 15/85 and sometimes 45/55 and even sometimes 100/0.    This is fact.

The question is what does each person do when they are a "20" or when they are an "80".   This is key.    When a person is a 20, they are not really doing much.   It can be pretty comfortable when the other person is doing 80%, especially if they are not complaining about it.   This is short term pleasure however because inevitably the 20 takes the 80 for granted and begins to protect their 20.   They think if the other person is willing to do 80 and not complain then let's not change things.   If the 80 begins to not want to be the 80 any more then the 20 will choose to either step up to the plate and raise their percentage or they will choose fight back in order to maintain their advantage and keep from having to do more.   The person doing 20 may try to make the case that things should remain like this because the 20 (for any number of reasons) deserves the current order of things.   It will not hold water indefinately.  Even if the 80 has the lowest self esteem on the planet, they cannot sustain 80 ad infinitem.    They will either crack or find another person that sees the injustice of one person doing 80% all of the time.

The 80, low self-estem notwithstanding, cannot maintain 80.   The higher the self esteem the sooner they will realize they are being taken advantage of and will say something about it.   If nothing changes then resentment sets in and the 20's hand is called.    If nothing changes then the relationship will crumble.

The prior paragraphs referred to a time when a relationship is stuck in 80/20.    However in healthy relationships the values fluxuate constantly.   In the healthiest relationships both parties seek to contribute 100%.    Since mathematically both cannot sustain anything over 50 at the same time something wonderful happens.   When both partners seek to do 100%, without expecting repayment from their partner, then there is a constant balance that manifests itself.   The 80 always knows that they will not be doing 80% for long because the 20 chooses not to be 20 for long.   Does that make sense?  We are talking about choices here.   Both choose not to be comfortable at 20 then the 80 will never be resentful but joyfully 80.

Relationships are extremely challenging and if either party chooses to milk the comfort of being the 20 then they open the door to resentment and distance and they never fill the full potential of the relationship.