The Fulfillment of Self-Denial

Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me..." - Matthew 16:24

In my walk with Christ nothing has changed me more than the truth behind the fulfillment of self-denial. Huh? Isn't that the same thing as saying 'I like the warm feeling I get when jumping into a frozen lake?' It does seem somewhat paradoxical but this concept really established a new paradigm in my life.

It is the Lord that is transforming me from a selfish person to a self-sacrificing person and I am more thankful than anyone could ever know. This is because of the joy - the true joy - that is felt when you refuse yourself in order to please another. This is not an easy transition for most because in our society we are indoctrinated with the notion of looking out for number one will bring us fulfillment in life. Also, many people feel that they have been cheated in life either by a rotten childhood or other misfortunes as an adult, so they feel even more entitled to balance the scales to their side. This does not mean that these people are hopeless. In fact they have a more powerful gift in front of them than people do with fewer bumps in the road of life. The person who had fewer bumps or the person who saw selfless giving modeled at home might find it natural to become self-sacrificing. Though the reward of joy is just as meaningful they had fewer hurdles to achieve it. The person who had never seen selfless giving displayed to them growing up or were left to find joy on their own will find the whole concept completely foreign to them. Frankly, they may believe that the whole concept is just hogwash and the people who refuse themselves are suckers and easy pray in the rat race of life. Their greatest challenge in life is to let go of their worldly beliefs no matter how deeply rooted. They must recognize worldly tendencies and correct them.

But it is my contention that these people, more often than not, are successful in business and other worldly things, they are never truly happy. They never know true peace at the end of their 10-hour day. They expect people to do their fair share for them before they even consider giving anything up. You see their view of each day relies on their interactions with people or what they encountered during the day. This is a terrible mistake. To use an analogy, it is like a captain of a ship using another boat to guide him to shore. The other boat is in the water too and is at the whim of the waves - very unreliable. The word of the Lord is like the lighthouse. The ship captain must trust in something out of the water to keep him steady and safe. For anyone who has taken the leap of faith to be self-sacrificing instead of self-serving, has chosen to allow the Lord to be that lighthouse. They see the worldly person as completely transparent and in many cases truly feel for. The worldly person may know - or may think they know - some semblance of peace or happiness but the true peace and joy that I speak of can only be found through what the Lord commands.

You see I was very much a worldly person. Money was my god and I was sure that if I just made more money I would find contentment and joy. I also believed that others were put here to make me happy. I was absolutely convinced of this. Anything or anyone that negatively affected my dream was despised - obsessively. My dear wife took much heat for many years for not bringing in more money. I put undue pressure on her to make sure I was happy. I was also constantly upset with myself for not making more money. Each time either of us got raises I would soon realized I was not happy and thus it was necessary to bring in more money. Happiness was always another raise away - again.

The Lord has taught me many, many truths in the last few years. Concerning happiness the truth came in the late 90's during dot-com gold rush. During this time I was lucky enough to get stock options that were eventually worth several hundred thousand dollars. You would think that a level of comfort would finally set in. No. I was paranoid that the price of the stock would fall. 'Should I sell now or later?' 'Maybe if I don't sell it will be worth a million in two years'. These were my new obsessive thoughts. I also obsessed about certain people in the office that had more options than me and when would I get some more. If I sold now I would have instant security, right?? ... But the stock may go up... Should I sell? ... should I buy? AAAAAAhhhhh. The words "He who loves money never has enough" never spoke louder to me. Either well off or just scraping by, I had to change how I lived my life, my priorities in my life and with whom I would find joy and true prosperity.

We all know the story about the dot-coms. Well, I never sold and they are now worth $0. I know what you are saying, 'what a dope!' Frankly, it is nice to not have the anxiety and paranoia that all that 'potential' money brought to me. This turn of events also answered my theories on comfort and happiness. Actually, they were blown out of the water. I now knew that no matter how much money I have it will not bring true joy.

Does my testimony mean that everyone who seeks joy in life through money should have it then lose it? It may help some, as it did me, but others may not have the revelation that God gave me and they will continue to chase happiness through worldly things their entire lives. Most importantly, it's a leap of faith toward that which is inherently illogical to most people - that refusal of self will bring you an inner peace and joy that cannot be described - that many people are unable or unwilling to take.

OK, this is all well and good and the Bible says it true but let's say you have no idea how to put this into practice. Simply put, in any situation where your needs or desires meet someone else's, put your needs or desires aside for the other person. It is really that simple. You married folks may say 'what if my spouse does not return in kind?' or 'Am I doing this all in vain?'. Those questions tell me that you are now back in the world again and you are thinking like people of the world. Remember the world expects you to look out for yourself and make sure that your needs are met first. Children of God seek to please others first and do not expect anything in return. That is the difference and the key to doing it God's way. Because it is pleasing to the Lord is your reward. Stories I love to hear typically involve a hero that saves a drowning child or something like that and then disappears into the crowd. No one knows him or her and there are no accolades bestowed upon that person - except by the Lord. Jesus promised that if your deeds are done in secret, or without seeking rewards from the world, then your Father will reward you.

Let's look at some practical examples. Let's say there is one cookie left and you want it but your spouse, who has had five cookies already, wants it too. Give it to your spouse. If your spouse's back hurts and you are really too tired and just want to sleep, then massage his or her back anyway. The greater the sacrifice the greater the joy. Even if your spouse is not in need, ask if you can make them coffee or ask is they would like a shoulder rub or just give them a hug - something you know that would make them happy. You will be surprised that you will feel joy too. In another sense, if your spouse or friend or co-worker treats you in a less than respectful way, do not return the disrespect in kind. Instead, serve them and treat them with kindness. Do not be drawn in to the world.

In my opinion the closest thing to a perfect Christian marriage is one where both spouses seek to live a relationship of sacrificial love because an attitude of selflessness will override bad moods and good moods, bad days and good days, bad luck and good luck, etc. If one spouse does not have the desire to provide selfless giving then the other spouse must maintain the giving and pray for the worldly spouse. As in marriage an attitude of service and refusal of self is the foundation any strong relationship and anyone can do it. God created us with free will and he built in us this source of true joy if we only seek to practice it.

This reminds me of this past Thanksgiving holiday. Our family went to Sherri's folks and stayed overnight. During the night Alicia was crying so we took her to bed with us. Around 7am she slid out of bed. Amongst other things she got hold of a 'baby-wipe' from the diaper bag. She then proceeded to wash Sherri's feet and then my feet. It tickled but it was absolutely adorable. Although she really didn't know the historical and biblical significance of what she was doing, in a sense it reflected the natural tendency to serve selflessly that we are born with. Though the world may do it's best to teach us otherwise we must remain steadfast to sew the seeds of self-sacrifice and reap the true joy that is elusive in that which is worldly.

1 We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. 2 Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. 3 For even Christ did not please himself but, as it is written: 'The insults of those who insult you have fallen on me.' 4 For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. 5 May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, - Romans 15:1-5

[Originally written on Tuesday, December 18, 2001]